​Life's A Challenge

Sometimes Life’s A Challenge

February 12,2020


It’s taken a lot of patients to deal with all aspects of my transition this far.  Starting with my fear figuring out how to accomplish my complete acceptance of myself.  I had to reassure myself that it was ok to accept my gender.  Convincing myself that regardless of my looks or voice I’m still a girl.  I know this is valid because of how I feel in my heart and mind.  I may never achieve the perfect beauty I envision, or sound I want to hear.  I’m happy with all that I’ve achieved with my looks and voice.  Which means I’m comfortable with who I’ve become.  My life has been a rollercoaster for years of trying to understand my feelings.  Trying to hide or rebuke my feeling of being a girl and trying to be a man.  To start my transition, I had to disclose my feelings from my life to a therapist.  My therapist asked many questions about my feelings and my past.  My therapist meetings brought on an education and many emotions as I tried to understand my feelings.  The reality of knowledge about gender allowed me to grow and accept myself.  I’ve endured the feelings of being a girl a great majority of my life.  Once the therapist was comfortable, I was able to get a letter for hormones.  I then had to schedule an appointment with an endocrinologist.  My doctor again asked several questions and did blood work before prescribing hormones.  As my growth continued, I’ve had to endure mis-gendering many times throughout my transition.  Personally, I try not to let this affect me, but can say it still hurts.  Reminding myself some people may see my imperfections and be misled to the thinking that I’m a man.  Each day presents new adventures in dealing with gendering and my thoughts are that people will eventually figure it out.  I can smile at the thought of my happiness so if someone refuses to gender me properly oh well.  Another struggle is informing those around me of my transition announcing my new name and gender.  Each passing day my comfort with sharing becomes stronger as I’m no longer hiding.  The fear of potential loss of relationships with friends and family shook me hard initially.  Getting people to gain an understanding in the world where some can’t truly except the concept of gender.   When a person is right or left-handed at birth there isn’t a sign hanging on someone at birth to disclose which hand someone will be.  Gender isn’t visibly displayed on a body.  In the brain are factors which associate to gender and they are currently learning more about this in research.  Gender isn’t sex although frequently related as the same by society.  Personally, I’m working harder at educating people.  I can’t force someone to understand and except gender.  The reality is there always a chance to educate people that were not a threat.  A lot of fears surround trans people using the bathrooms.  Let me dispel the thought of trans people attacking in a bathroom.  I know most of us want no extra attention in a bathroom and were there to relieve nature.  It took me quite a bit to get comfortable going into the ladies’ room and the last thing I want is trouble from an individual or the law. My gender is female on my birth certificate and my drivers license.  I had to go to doctors, therapists, and court for the gender and name to reflect who I am.   Along the way I had to tell my parents of my transition.  I have an immense love and respect for my parents.  My fear of hurting my parents was a very real feeling.  The thought that I could possibly be rejected by them scared the hell out of me.  Thankfully the love from my parents is still valid.  Although I’m still waiting to be gendered and named properly with patience, they are slowing coming around hopefully.  It has taken well over a year for there to be a slight progression.   I’ve approached this with peace allowing them an opportunity to adjust.  My parents have never been disrespectful or hostile as I presented as a female.  My Dad has finally addressed me as Kimberly after more than a year.  My mom finally put my name on a card after a year and a half.  Progress is slow with them, but my happiness is growing with each step.  The hurt from gendering on holidays is hopefully almost a thing of the past.  I can’t even begin to say in any form this hasn’t been a great hurt.  Acknowledging my name and gender to many friends has been a positive in my transition.  To be fair some people are still unaware of my change, but my main core of friends has been super supportive.  I faced the fear telling my company of my transition, and while it was very nerve racking all has gone well.  My co-workers have been very strong in naming and gendering me correctly this isn’t to say slip ups haven’t happened.  My switching bathrooms which caused a bit of anxiety with the ladies and is a distant memory.  The legal name and gender change through the court caused me a case of nervousness.  Worrying about going before the judge and expenses involved scared me.  The judge needed me to educate her but, in the end, agreed to my new name and gender.  Let me express the amount of work to change all id’s, titles, other documents have been a challenge but gone well.  Looking back at the many steps of transition to this point I’ve had the expenses from doctors, therapists, court cost, and many other things which have cost several dollars.  In my journey there is still more that I need to accomplish medically.  My presentation is and will be a continual work in process.  The last couple years dealing with political fears and worrying about equality is a big concern.  The reality of my religion in which I was raised refusing to acknowledge what doctors and scientist have said regarding gender hurts.  Each step in this process has been challenging and rewarding with the good and the bad.  Struggles and challenges still lie ahead as I crawl down the path of life.